Discontinued

This blog will be put to sleep. Maybe some day I will return here but for now I will post my ramblings on another, more private, site. I just can't be open here with everything that is happening to me right now. So I'm going into hiding.

If you feel you know me well enough to get access to that place, let me know and we can discuss it.

Over and out

This is me breaking

I thought I had been doing good, I thought I was strong.


Then the papers came, neat print on white background, summing up 5,5 years. Ending them.


Yesterday I didn't feel much, numb perhaps? Then this morning I woke up, panic and pain. I can only cry and cry. Cry until my chest hurts, until I feel raw. Cry until I can't breathe, until I can't think.


I cried so hard I ended up retching into the toilet, I have never done that before. Didn't even know you could.


It all feels so final, despite the tree weeks appeal time until it's actually fulfilled. But seeing the papers...it made it so real. And it all comes pouring out of me, all the pain I haven't let myself deal with in my attempts to "be okay". I should be working today, not an option when I can barely stand up.


The pain is like nothing I have ever felt. Please make it go away.


"This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together."


I am not okay, this is me breaking.


Over and out

Today

I think I have been strong through the last week. Sure, I have cried but I do have reasons for that. But mostly I kept strong, I can still laugh and joke and smile. I am still me.

Today I aren't. Today I am weak, and I will let myself be weak. Today I will cry, let it all out. Wrapped around a pillow, crying so hard it hurts. Today I will embrace the pain and tomorrow things will be better, things will be a bit more bearable.

Today it's four years since I got married.

It feels surreal, we were supposed to be celebrating this day, we weren't supposed to be over.

I know we did the right choice, for all the right reasons. But today reason isn't enough. Today no logic can make it easier.

Today I will miss you, today I will cry.

Over and out

This is me now

So, how about being honest? I've been saying I am doing fine, that it was mutual and it's no problems and whatever. Yes, it was was mutual, but what people don't seem to understand is that mutual or not, it still hurts like hell.

I can't even begin to explain it.

This is pain, raw and undiluted pain and I can't to anything to make it go away. I am dealing, but yeah, I'm in pain.

I ignore people, I know I am, because I can't talk about it, I can't explain how I feel to every one. I get your messages, and I love that you send them, but I aren't ready to talk yet.

I feel weak. I really know that I aren't but that's how it feels. I hate showing emotions in public and so far I crashed and cried at work two days in a row. I kinda feel pathetic.

Just, treat me like normal? Please? I am still me, I can still smile and laugh, but I also cry, I also feel like something inside me is breaking. I will deal, but this is what I will be like for weeks, months.

I have some people I want to thank... All the girls over at LJ, I love you girls so much and I have no idea how I would get through this all without you. Dominic, for just being there, patient and understanding and never pushing me, I love you. And to Michael, I really have no idea what I would do without you, the rock you have been for me this last week.

I am good. And I am bad. I am happy. I am crying.

I'm in mourning.

Over and out

When love is not enough

What do you do when all you know fall to pieces? When everything you have hoped for, dreamed about, turns into smoke?

What do you do when everything is changing and you are standing still in a chaos of emotions?

What do you do when love is not enough?

~*~

I never wanted this to end. I never wanted us to end. We were supposed to be forever, we were supposed to grow old and grey together.

Forever turned out to be five and a half year.

Yes, we are making the right choice. We will be better apart than we are together. We need this, to get on with our lives, to be all that we can be. To not end up hating each other.

But it hurts. It really fucking hurts that I will have to lose you to find myself. My finger feels too light without the weight of the rings. My heart feels too heavy without the knowledge of forever.

I love you and I will have to let you go. And I will miss you. How can the right thing hurt so much?

Over and out

For the love of frogs

I fell in love with these frogs. I am really pondering tattooing one or both of them. Not sure yet. I have wanted a frog tattoo for quite some time now and when I saw these it just clicked. I might do only the left one, save the other one for another time. 

I haven't met many people who understand my love for frogs, most people just seem to find it a bit strange but funny. And then there is my muse (who I even aren't sure read this blog, but ah well) who just got it. Yay! I am not alone in my love for frogs!

I have promised myself that if I manage to get a fic done for a certain fanfic challenge, I will buy myself something from The Frog Store. Oh the amount of money I could burn in that store. Really. Like, wow! If anyone would feel like giving me birthday presents, that would be the place to shop them. Just so you know!

Over and out

End of the season

So it's that time of year. That time when the shows I follow go in for the summer hiatus. Season finales left and right and some deliver, some...not so much.

*'*Spoilers ahead for: Supernatural, Criminal Minds, How I met your mother, The Big Bang Theory**

There is no one as bad as you...

So I am writing. Fanfic. But the thing is, in the story I am writing now I put pieces of me into the story. And it's fucking hard to write.

I mentioned in a post awhile back that my ex dumped me the day after an attempted suicide. Charming of him, no? Anyway, that wasn't the only thing he did. He did it saying he couldn't be in a relationship right then, that he wasn't ready. Two months later, I guess he was ready. Just not with me. 

He got together with some girl who he knew from earlier, but hey... why tell me that? Why tell your ex something big like that?

Well, he did tell me. After he slept with me (and yeah, not one of my proudest moments), and the way he told me. It was so sweet.

"I can't believe the first time I cheat, it's with you of all people. But we should keep doing this, you could be my mistress."

Doesn't that just sound like a sweetheart? It might not be word perfect (translation + years of trying to not think about that night) but still, you get the general idea. If there is one person in this world I truly hate, it's him. I hate him for what he did to me in that hospital. I hate him for the way he crushed me again just when I was about to build myself up again.

He is one of the reasons I am broken. Not the only one, not even the main reason, but still. Part of the puzzle. 

So, I put him in one of my stories. And fuck, it helps. It helps because the people that read it? They hate him. And yeah, it's childish and vindictive of me to like that. And I don't care. 

Over and out

Not even I like all books

 So, yeah. I am giving up on reading Kurt fucking Vonnegut. Seriously, what the fucking hell?

I am halfway through "Breakfast of Champions" and it's not worth it. It's driving me insane to even try. The last time I sat down to read I managed a whooping 4 pages before I tossed it away and pondered if I wouldn't rather  go and read some Donald Duck because that would be much more rewarding.
And yes, I actually do like Donald but I prefer the comics from the 50's and 60's compared to the new ones. I think I would prefer the worst of the new ones compared to Vonnegut however. I think I would prefer watching The PowerPuff Girls over Vonnegut.

Anyway. Yeah. Vonnegut. No.

~*~

Think I will go get me some Neil Gaiman instead. Or maybe Pratchett. Nah, sorry Lena but will go for Gaiman. 

Also, I got Bareback to read, and it looks really interesting even though it's written in first person, I usually don't read stuff like that but hey, it was super-mega-cheap so I had to buy it.

Like really... had to. I could not leave the store without it. Full prize: 180 SEK. On sale: 20 SEK. Like I said, had to buy it.

Over and out 

My latest addiction

 My latest addiction (yes I have a few) is ice latte. And really, it's a fucking addiction! I can easily down several a day, and have done so as well.

Just ask Michael, the poor thing knows what I get like when running on a combination of writing high and caffeine rush. I get.. uhm.. excited? Bouncy? Eager? Fucking annoying?

I think they all fit to be honest. 

So yeah, downing 3-4 lattes, made of double espressos, in no time, wasn't really the brightest of ideas. But hell, it did make me write a lot. Not only stories though, I think I wrote whole essays while chatting to Michael on MSN. Waterfall of babbling. He write one line and I answered back with 10. But hey, at least I was all nice about it and not my grumpy-sleep-deprived self. 

But, who can blame me? They are just so yummy. And I don't even like coffee! Expect for now.. when I apparently do. 

On another note, writing the third part of my fanfic now, and I even found a beta for it. Feels completely fan-fucking-tastic! Who knew having people love your writing would be this bloody amazing?

I love writing fanfic, I did not expect that. But the way my characters talk? It's really a way that wouldn't fit all that well in a book but it feels like.. me. Like the way we talked in WoW and stuff. Way too rude, not very politically correct and with quite a few curses. So yeah, pretty much 100% me.

Over and out 

Gone is my fanfic virginity

It's interesting, today I worked from 9 in the morning to past 8 in the evening. And I don't even feel tired. I feel bouncy and giddy.

And I know why.

Today is seriously one of the best days in the history of fucking ever!!!

Thanks to Michael I finally dared to post my very first fanfic over at the community I been hanging on. I know, fanfic.. blah blah and all of that but what can I say, I caved in!
Been working on it for weeks, but finally I got it good enough to publish a first part. I plan to write more.

I posted it last night and when I woke up to comments, to wonderful comments!

I can't even begin to describe how it feels, it's surreal. I was so scared before I posted, what if people hated it? What if no one even bothered to read it? What if, what if, what if.

"WOW - You scored a Grand Slam (baseball term - bases loaded & batter up hits a home run & brings all the boys home) with this. Especially for it being your first fic & English not being native language. I bow down to your awesomeness"


Seriously, how can you not be bouncing after a comment like that?


" I need more! This was fantastic. Loved every part of it."


I think I grinned happily for one hour non stop when I read the comments. It's such an amazing feeling. 


Also, no, I won't let just anyone read it. Fanfic is a special thing, you need to be a part of the fandom to get it and... you also need to be quite insane and to have a tinhat as your regular attire. (Don't even ask me to explain.)
A few people know what I write, the rest? Well... look up the explanation of RPF and you might get it.
It is not what I planned to write, but loving it. Still working on my original stuff as well but fanfic gives me an outlet for the crazy. 


Over and out

You put too much into my words..

Today I am in quite a crappy mood. And that is really annoying me because when I woke up I was in a really good mood. But then, it's not the first time something small can put my day off centre.

I write this blog for a purpose, for me it is a kind of therapy. In other words, I don't really write it for someone to read, I write it for me to vent. I do like it when people read it, of course I do, but it is a bonus, not the purpose.

However, I guess people read a bit too much into it sometimes. If I get another "aww, I read your blog, how are you?" I think I will scream.
Honestly people, I love you to pieces but stop taking for granted I feel bad. Trust me, the days I feel bad I wont be talking to any of you so just give it a rest. The only thing you manage is to make me feel like I should feel bad about something.

I write to get the stuff out of my head, not for people to shove it back in my face. Talk about, ask questions for all that you want and I will try to answer them.
And yes, I am quite aware of how I sound, like a complete bitch. But it's kinda getting to me. I do not write the sad posts on days when I feel bad, I write them on days I feel good enough to actually think about things in a rational way, the bad days I don't write.

It's just hard to be in a good mood and then have people taking for granted I am feeling sad because of some blog post I did hours or even days ago. I am doing fine guys, that is why I write.

I know you mean well, I really do. But I don't hear what you mean inside, I hear what you say.

Over and out

I bear my heart for all to see

 Here is a random fact not that many people know about me: I cry. A lot.

I haven't always been like this. Hell, when I was on medication I couldn't really cry at all. That is the fun thing with "happy pills", at least for me they don't work. At least they don't made me happy. What they did as dull everything, I couldn't feel sad the same way I did before but I could never feel really happy either.
Anyway, I honestly think that is connected with my easy tears now.

I talked about this with Nil awhile back, trying to figure it all out.
The thing is I lived for years with shutting the feelings inside, closing them off, taking happy pills to make it all better and then taking calming pills when that didn't work. And now? I don't do pills, I do feelings.
It is like it all just went reverse or something, instead of hiding all my feelings they just bubble up now.

Hence, I cry, a lot.

It's not something I want to be doing, but things get to me. Movies, songs, stories. If it gets touchy feely I will cry. I cry during the thank you speeches at the Academy Awards. I cry during break up scenes, I cry during make up scenes. I can get all teary eyed just remembering stuff that made me cry. And trust me, it makes me feel like the biggest sissy girl ever!
And at the same time I like it. I have feelings again! Sure I been off the meds for years now but still, sometimes it just amazes me to have the full spectre of feelings again and I wouldn't give it up for anything.

This blog is all part of me trying to get even more in contact with my feelings, with actually embracing them and letting people know me. Not a fake me but the real me. The girl who cries every time she watches When Harry met Sally, the girl who loved soft toys, the girl who thinks apple pies must be better than ambrosia and who some days just curls up on the sofa to cry for no good reason. I just want you to see me.

Also, the choice of headline for today is from a VnV Nation song.

Over and out

Friends that came and went

I think I have "lived" online since I was 15 or so, chats and communities and forums, the lot of it. The interesting thing is all the people you get to know over the years, the sad thing is all the people you loose.

Over the years there have been people that came into my life and then just went away and I didn't think much more of it, online friendships seldom last. But then there has been those people, that stays in my heart long after they left my life. Those hurts. The ones that you wanted to keep around, the ones where I never found out what went wrong. And it hurts.
I figured long ago that the problem must be me. It pretty much goes the same every time, Annie finds a person, Annie talks to person and person manages to get through Annie's barricades. Person turns into Friend. And here is where things usually start to slide. At first it is all hugs and kittens (no puppies here) and sunshine, until Friend start to answer less and less when you try to talk to them. When Friend just... pulls back and Annie is left standing there wondering what the hell went wrong this time. Rinse and repeat.

And people wonder why I have a hard time letting the barricades down?

I could get it if it was someone I talked to for a month, but no, we talk a year or more of chat, not every single day or anything (I aren't that stalkerish) and then they just are gone. For once I really fucking wish one of them could man up and explain themselves.

So what did I start to think about this now? I don't know. I guess I sat remembering names, people I opened up to that just pulled away, people I gave it all and they just... left.

I don't expect people to hang around forever, you can't plan forever. But I wish people could at least give answers.

So here is my request: don't claw your way into my life, don't tell me you love me and we are friends, if you plan to leave without a second glance back.

I don't want to loose more people. I want you to stay.

Over and out

Music makes the world go round: part 2

Lately my taste in music has shifted some from the harder electronical music I used to listen to before to softer songs, where the focus is more on the lyrics and the melody than just sounds. Maybe that is a part of growing up? Don't get me wrong, I can still enjoy some of the harder things, both synth and rock but right now I mostly listen to Matt Nathanson and Lifehouse.

The lyrics are the biggest part of this change I think, I listen more and more to lyrics and not only the music, I have always needed lyrics (not big on the instrumental stuff) but now it means even more than before. I have no idea if that got something to do with me actually "dealing" with stuff more now than I did before. I have actually calmed down quite a bit since I started writing this blog, I might not have many readers but I really don't write for you guys, I write for me.

I planned to give a few quotes from lyrics that get to me now, including links to said songs. So here goes:

Matt Nathanson -  Sad Songs
"I'm waiting up for you to rescue me
To come around and cover everything
Relying on my best memories
To breathe for me, breathe for me

So much better than all of this, all of this

I'm tired of singing all the sad songs in my head
But I can't find enough of anything to drown out what you said
And sometimes I find I catch myself letting you back in
And I'm so tired of singing all these sad songs in my head"

Lifehouse - Spin
"I'd rather chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than be alone and convinced that I know

And when the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing"

Lifehouse - Sick Cycle Carousel
"If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
Well here we go now one more time

'Cause I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I can get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this"

311 - Beautiful Disaster
"I know a drugstore cowgirl, so afraid of getting bored
She's always running from something, so many things ignored
I might do that stuff if it didn't make me feel like shit
I'm on some old reality tip, so many trips in it

Beautiful disaster, flyin' down the street again
I tried to keep up, you wore me out and left me ate up
Now I wish you all the luck
You're a butterfly in the wind without a care
A pretty train crash to me and I can't care
I do, I don't, whatever"

Matt Nathanson - All we are
"I tasted, tasted love so sweet
And all of it was lost on me
Bought and sold like property
Sugar on my tongue

I kept falling over
I kept looking backward
I went broke believing
That the simple should be hard

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful"

The interesting thing is these songs have been recommended to me via fanfic, I knew something good would come from reading fanfic! Fangirls rock!

Over and out

Start of "The List"

I should really make a list of stuff I want to do, like a "30 things to do before you turn 30" sort of list. I really been pondering about it. A lot of the things that would get on that list comes down to the same thing though, money. I really should start buying lottery tickets so I could win several millions and boy would I do stuff!

Too bad life doesn't work out that easily eh?

So, here are some of the things I really want to do:

1. Get my tongue pierced (been thinking about that for yeeears now)

2. 2-3 (or more) new tattoos. 

3. Play the guitar (working on that one)

4. Meet some of the people I used to play WoW with (would include following countries: Finland, UK, Spain and Greece to begin with).
5. Grow the fuck up and figure out what I want to do with my life (something with books?)

So that is 5 points. Maybe I should go with a "15 things to do..." list to begin with? I don't really want to put "see the world blah blah blah" on the list, because I don't care all that much. I have seen a lot and while I want to see more, it isn't what is important to me. I could live my entire life without going to Thailand or something like that. The things I want are more personal.

The body modification parts might seem strange to some but they are important for me. 

I guess I should do a fundraiser? Hey, I can toss you my paypal account if you want to throw some money my way! No? Didn't think so. 

I guess #5 should be #1 really. Where do I want to go with my life? 

Over and out

TV shows I love

I was seriously pondering doing a "This is why I love Supernatural"-post... but then I decided to keep that to LJ since I am pretty sure you guys are too thick to like Supernatural anyway.

So, lets go through why I love the other TV shows I watch, sounds like SO much fun? Right?

The Vampire Diaries
Well, what is not to like here? Vampires! I mean honestly! You know me and vampires, plus these ones are pretty cool (they don't sparkle...) and Ian Somerhalder is really hot. I read the books and... yeah, lets just say the TV show is way fucking better.

Criminal Minds
Not really a big surprise here, not if you know me. The psychological aspect of crime has always fascinated me even more than the forensic (I used to watch CSI) part. I own quite a few true crime books and this show brings up just the things I am interested in, the how and why of murder. What can make a person reach that point and things like that. Plus Dr Reid is cute as a button!

How I met your mother
Oh, this one is just pure win. Or rather, Neil Patrick Harris is pure win! He is what makes the show what it is. However, lately? Well, let's just say you can feel the show starting to reach it's end... I honestly thought they would wrap it up this season but I guess they will try for one more. Hope they don't mutilate it.

Big Bang Theory
I find this one even funnier than HIMYM. The boys are so cute and awkward and nerdy and well, I have always had a really soft spot for nerds. It sometime's scare me when I get their nerdy comments however, I guess I am a bigger nerd than I usually admit.

Supernatural
Yeah yeah, I know, but I haaave to write a little about it. Let's start with I owe Nil and Luke big time for getting me hooked. I have always been in love with the supernatural so I guess it wasn't really a big surprise that I liked this show, but it is more to it. It's the way Sam and Dean Winchester are, their chemistry, that is just so wonderful to watch. I am a major Dean girl so when he in the first episode say "If I called, would you have picked up?" I just needed to know... I needed to know the why and the how and now, at the end of season 5 there are still so many questions that need answer.
Plus... Jensen Ackles? Really amazingly fucking wonderfully hot!

Over and out

The internet is for porn

 I really been pondering what to write about, I haven't felt like digging deeper into the "me and my shit" posts I did before, let's leave that be for awhile. I know I am fascinating but by now I bore even myself.

So, what is there I could write about instead? Well, honestly I thought I would bring up the fun fun topic of porn (big surprise after the headline, right?)!
Something I find really fun, is when people get surprised about a girl liking porn. I mean, really people? Why wouldn't a girl like her porn? Nothing wrong with naked bodies after all.

I guess it is the feminist movement that made everyone think porn is bad, or degrading to women. I couldn't disagree more. Porn is hot. Not all porn, let's face it.. there is some really craptastic porn out there but on the other hand, not like you watch porn for the storyline. Also, there are quite a few women actually producing porn, not only staring in it. Submissive and degrading isn't the same thing (lets discuss that interesting topic some other day, okay?)
The main thing I don't like about porn? The facial expressions. They can be the biggest turnoff in the history of ever, do they actually think people look like that when having sex? Luckily non of my partners have done faces like that, or I would have to only have doggy-style sex in the future (not that I would mind).

The thing I feel like whining about right now though is gay porn. Not that I mind it, hell, I really love gay porn! (Shush you, loads of girls like gay porn, we are strange that way). My problem is, why do they film gay porn with what can only be straight guys? Honestly, if they guy can barely get hard, it isn't hot to look at. Porn is only good if the people in it seem to at least remotely like what they are doing. I guess gay porn needs better fluffers!

Well, I think I made my point here. I like porn, I like boy-on-boy action and... well. Yeah, that was about it. Suggestions for good porn are welcome!

Over and out

Matt Nathanson

 So I thought I would promote an artist I have fallen in love with. His name is Matt Nathanson and he he is an american singer/songwriter. And... he is quite amazing!

The first song I heard with him was Come On Get Higher and I pretty much got addicted from the get go. I am usually not the type to go for singer/songwriters, usually it is a lot of lovey dovey crap and not much emotions behind it all, like they are trying too hard to be all deep and brooding.

Mr Nathanson feels real though, lyrics and melodies that actually stick and that means something. That is what makes it wonderful, the way music makes you think and make you feel. 

Soon fell in love with the songs All We Are and Solace and Pain. The guy is such a good singer, such a wonderful musician and funny as hell. 

Really, check him out, he is worth it!

Over and out

Me: future guitar hero?

 I have been a major fucking slack ass here lately. Slacker ass? Slackass? Hm. Anyway, I have been one. Let's move on.

I have borrowed a guitar from a friend at work (this pic is just of a guitar, not the one I got at home since I am too lazy to dig out my camera. I just used my Google-fu) because I decided I should learn to play guitar. It will be an interesting task considering I aren't really the most musical person alive but it will give me something to do I guess.

The idea has been around for awhile now but it was really when I started listening more to Matt Nathanson that I decided I really want to be able to play. I will try to teach myself how to play, hopefully with a few helping nudges from friends (yes, I expect you guys to nudge!).
I do have one extra goal with this brilliant plan of mine: make my neighbor hate me as much as I hate him. I think that is a noble cause.

Other random stuff: Thursday marks the 100th episode of Supernatural. This season is rapidly coming to an end and I am really nervous about how they will wrap it all up. But I guess Kripke will give us fangirls some cliff hanger from hell and I will go totally insane during the summer. Yes, I do expect that but still: In Kripke We Trust!

Over and out

10 random things: that makes me happy

This one is for Chris who said I have written about the things that made me sad and he asked for me to write about the good things for once. Thank you, I needed a nudge in the right direction!

• It makes me happy when I sit down on the couch, husband by my side and the cats on our laps. Sometimes that is all you need from life.
  
• It makes me happy when I come home from work and Thomas meet me in the hallway. I know it makes me sound like the worlds biggest sap but... whatever.
  
• It makes me happy to listen to music, to have the sounds fill me, the lyrics caressing and the vibrating feel of it. Yes, I love music that much.
  
• It makes me happy to cuddle up on the sofa with a good book and just sit and read for hours and hours, diving into different worlds.
  
• It makes me happy to write. Even though I doubt people will ever read what I write (not counting this blog) it still makes me happy to write it.
  
• It makes me very happy to be able to tell my story, and this time I mean on the blog. Writing about things I can't talk about, it helps me get by. For the first time in like ten years I feel like I am trying to deal with things.
  
• It makes me happy to play the electronic organ at my mom's place even though I suck at playing.
  
• It makes me happy to watch movies, the silly ones, the romantic ones, the ones that makes me cry and laugh. I watch it all from high school flicks to drama to over the top action.
  
• It makes me happy to know I have friends that like me even when I am a complete bitch, hell.. I think I even have friends that like me because I am a complete bitch.
  
• It makes me happy to get to know new people, although I usually talk to people online because I am kinda shy in the real world. I know I seem anti social sometimes, but I writing to someone is easier than talking. Yes, I am that nerdy. 

I don't even want to tell you how long it took me to find 10 things, and I think I only found really strange things. I am better at writing the doom and gloom than the happy happy joy joy. 

Over and out

Music makes the feelings come to life

Today I thought I would try to get a bit away from the "here is my heart and soul" posts I have done lately. But I aren't quite ready to leave them completely so I thought I would mix it with my love for music for now. 

The thing with music is it makes you feel, at least good music does. Real music. The kind of music you don't listen to only to fill the silence, the kind of music that speaks to you, that have your blood humming and feels like a caress.
There is music that have been more important to me then anything. There is music I can't listen to because it hurts too much. But I am a sucker for pain so when I feel really down I tend to get stupid and listen to the painful music instead of listening to music that makes me feel good. 

Awhile back Thomas put on Kent's song 747 and it was pain. It was the kind of pain that makes your lungs clamp together and you have to struggle to breathe. I could barely ask him to turn it off, and I felt like an idiot for telling him because I couldn't explain right then.

For the same reason I don't really listen to Lars Winnerbäck anymore, too much pain. Too many lyrics and songs that bring back not only memories, but even the smells and sounds. Memories to vivid to be tolerable. 

For some reason I can still listen to Bush's song Glycerine and I aren't sure why, it was a song I listened to a lot one of the times everything went to hell (oh yes, things have gone to hell several times) but I guess that song was comfort and not only to dive deeper into pain.
I know a lot of people hate Courtney Love and Hole but I always kinda liked her music, even though I can't listen to it anymore either. Listening to Dying is pretty much like having someone stomp on your heart. 

Yeah, well, ok. This post was uplifting and nice? Just more emotional babbling from me. I seriously need to get over this and start writing about something else. Or at least write about something else because getting over things just isn't my thing. 

Any suggestions for tomorrows topic?

Over and out

Afterthoughts

I have been a bit silent here since my last post. Why? Well actually, posting that thing was probably something of the hardest things I have done. I don't tell people. Simple as that. And then I post it in public and even though not that many people read this, yeah, it still counts as "telling people". And it was scary. And the post was damn hard to write, to get out what I wanted to tell and still not tell the things I can't talk about. The details that I can only share with 1-2 friends, the people that been through the same and that can understand.

As hard as that post was to write, I think I needed to write it because after all, writing one post about it was way easier than telling several people in person.

One thing that changed after that time, is my fear of pills. I seldom take pain killers. Thomas usually have to tell me to just fucking take the pills before I will do it. It's not that I am scared of getting addicted to tiny pain killers, but it's pills and I don't trust myself around pills. That is why when my depressions come (I still crash 3-5 times a year) I never ask doctors for pills. I don't do the happy pills thing, I know my weakness and I know how easy it is to get addicted without you even knowing you are. I usually rather just power through a head ache than take one simple pill.

That's how scared I am.

Over and out

A way to keep myself together

So, my latest post got me thinking. Of who I am. I mean, there are so many parts, so many images I project that I sometimes forget who I really am. But most of all, I tend to forget why I am the person I am.

There are a lot of things that happen in our lives that shape us, and I wish I could say that they are good things but I often feel like most of the thing that have shaped me were bad things. Some of it are small things, that slowly form you into something new, something different. And then you got the big things, the earth shattering things that almost wipe away everything and leave you there to build up the pieces again. I have had my share of both kinds.

The one thing that have shaped me more than anything? It was really a thing happening slowly, and at the same time it happened fast. Pretty much like going down a slope, slow at start but then it all just picked up speed and ended at rock bottom.
I was 19 back then, and had pretty much been in a deep depression for years. I was addicted to Stesolid (Valium), something I didn't realize back then but that I know now, looking back at it all. I was in a short but intense relationship that was a roller coaster of emotions. And then it all crashed. I ended up taking way too many pills, attempted suicide I guess you would call it but it didn't feel like that back then. It was just after the first 10+ pills it didn't seem like a big deal to take more. I think I downed around 1.5 bottle of Stesolid and sleeping pills and ended up in the hospital for two weeks. And the relationship? Well, my dear asshole of an ex-boyfriend dumped me the day after, while I still was half drugged from all the pills. That would be my rock bottom. Empty hospital halls, white hospital walls, and tears and screaming and a pain that I can't describe.

So there you have it, the one thing that shaped my life in the biggest way. I don't think of it daily anymore, but I guess things from that time pop into my mind at least once a week, probably more. I was broken, and from the day I got out of that hospital I had to pick up the pieces and try to build myself up again. I can't say I did a perfect job, but looking back over the last years, I guess I could have done worse as well.

What am I trying to say with this post? Well, I know I have issues. Hell, I got issues enough to fill a mansion, but  I am trying. Still now it is a work in progress but I have my reasons. I don't shut people out because I want to. I don't hide myself because I want to. And when I am a total bitch? Well, it isn't always because I want to. Sometimes, it is because it's my way to keep myself together.

I can not break again.

Over and out

Sexuality - this is mine, tell me yours

The other day I had an interesting discussion with a friend, about sexuality. Always an interesting topic don't you think? Anyway, yesterday I had another discussion with another friend, about how people see us, discussing how strange it is that the people we meet the most (school and work and stuff) barely know us. I mean, they don't know the parts of us that, well, makes us what we are.

I do wonder what my co-workers think of me sometimes. Innocent girly girl? I aren't sure. It is strange tho because with being married, everyone just assumes I am 100% straight. And not that it really does matter all that much but sometimes it annoys me. One silly friend (yes, you are silly even though I adore you) even said that I might as well be seeing as I am married. But it just isn't true.
Being bisexual is part of who I am, no matter who I sleep with. I got black hair, dark brown eyes, bad eyesight and I am bisexual. It's just part of the package and it feels strange sometimes that people don't know that. And still, it shouldn't matter. But it does.

I have always embraced my sexuality, or well, at least since I got out of my first serious relationship and I understood more about myself. Getting out of a 3 year long relationship when I was only 18 was.. interesting to put it mildly. I always been open with who I am, but once you start to work you project this image of yourself and that is what people get to know. Not the real you, the one behind the image.

I find it funny also that some people seem to think that just because you are bisexual you would fuck everyone. I mean, really people? Yes, I like girls but I don't like all girls, no more than the straight girl likes all men. And no, bisexuals don't always have sex with both genders, I find it so funny that people actually think that. Like bisexual people have to sleep with both men and women to be happy. It doesn't work like that.

It is just a part of who I am. Not all of who I am.

Over and out

Wrestlemania!

Ok, so this sunday was the night of Wrestlemania. And yes, I loved it. Of course I loved it, it's Wrestlemana! And at the same time, well, I didn't like the outcome of some of the matches and let's face it, the last two Wrestlemanias have been better but ah well, you can't get it all. 

I did love the Randy Orton vs Ted DiBiase vs Cody Rhodes, and Randy won! And he didn't pin Cody to win! He pinned the ass Ted who seriously deserved to be the one getting punted! My poor little darling Cody, hope he comes back soon. 

Money in the Bank? Well, I am happy Jack Swagger won, I really had hoped for it to be one of the younger participants and not the older ones. The belts need some new fresh blood to be honest and since John Morrison wasn't even in the match I guess Swagger will have to do. Just happy that Kane or MVP or Hardy didn't get it, I did NOT want to see any of them with the briefcase!

I am not surprised that HBK lost his match against The Undertaker, I saw that one coming from miles away, but it was such a great match (even though Taker vs Edge from two years ago was better) and it was a good way to end his career. I don't even like HBK but yeah, guess he deserved to go out with a bang.
Watched Monday Night Raw today with his farewell speech and it was kinda nice, not as emotional as Rick Flair's but still it was nice. 

I actually won't write much more than that. I thought I would make some long ass post but it really wasn't all that. Edge lost his back, Batista lost his match, Morrison lost his match. It just wasn't my night!

Over and out

Ramblings

Today is WrestleMania night! I will be watching it tomorrow evening when Thomas gets home from work and I am giddy about it! So I will write about wrestling tomorrow or Tuesday, suck it up! (And Micke, you are an ass for not reading my wrestling posts!)

Today is a babbling night, I don't got real stuff to write about, or I am too chicken to write about what I would want to write about. Sounds strange? I dunno how many people even read this blog so I aren't sure I want to share some things. I don't even know if people from work ever check it, maybe they do since I link it from my Facebook. So, you wonder, why does that matter? Well, I aren't really sure. I guess it's just strange with work people knowing really private things about you. Do I want them to know things? What would they think of me if they knew some things? It's all strange really because I never been one to hide stuff, pretty much been open about who I am, who I used to be. But friends and and colleagues are different.

And yeah, rambling now. Just pushing out words to make sense of my own mind I guess. I just aren't sure what people in the real world think of me. I know that the online world adores me! They got taste because lets face it, I am pretty damn awesome! And very very modest.

Ah well, guess we will see where my writing takes me. Guess we will see if it will be movies, music, TV, sex, work or something else that makes me eager to write. I do miss writing about sex to be totally honest, my online diaries a few years back had maaaany followers but maybe I grew up? Or maybe I just became a total chicken.

Over and out

Supernatural: The Boys Are Back!

Ok, so my great waffle plan didn't work out quite as I thought it would. On the official waffle day (yes, we got one of those in Sweden) we made waffles at work so when I got home I really didn't feel like making more. And then today... well... we made even more waffles at work (we had leftovers!) and when I got home we just ordered some pizza and ate that while watching Supernatural.

That would be re-watching Supernatural for me since I cuddled up in the sofa to watch it withing 20 minutes of getting out of bed this morning. I am pretty sure that makes me a fangirl. Yes, I am a fangirl! I guess I will have do admit it now, I am totally hooked and I been counting the days and hours until I would get to watch the latest episode. Honestly? I scare even myself!
I do think I need to get to know more Supernatural fans somehow, because this unhealthy addiction needs to be shared!

I of course loved the latest episode. But then, it has been weeks so as I told my friend Luke, Dean and Sammy could have been sitting alone in a room the entire episode and I would still have loved it. I feel like such a girl right now, I really do! I aren't usually like this, I swear! But then, I guess being a total girl is allowed when you have boobs and a pussy, right?
Anyways, gonna read some more slash and then head to bed. Working this weekend and need to sleep off the effects of one bottle of wine. Mmm, wine!

Did I mention that I am a Dean-girl? And that he was awesome in the latest episode? Because he seriously was!

Over and out

Waffles!

Quick note, today is waffle day. And I work to 8pm... fml! Anyways, I plan to do waffles when I get home this evening, count on waffle pics! I like waffles. No, scratch that, I loooooove waffles!

Yes.

That's all I had to say for now.

Waffles!

Over and out

Words

So I abandoned Wilja. I feel horrible for doing it but yeah... Gabriel got more story to tell right now so I will try to focus on him for awhile. I got a few years history on him, I just need to put words on it.

I like words, words are so much better than numbers. Words are beautiful and magical, numbers are just... symbols. They don't mean anything to me, there is no pleasure in them. Well, I guess it goes beyond "no pleasure" really, numbers are painful and hard and they honest to god scare me. And just admitting that feels like such a relief. After my post the other day about dyscalculia I got invited to a forum for others with the same problem as I do and it was wonderful. People were very welcoming and it really helped seeing that other people feel the way I do. Maybe it is strange that other people being scared of numbers, or feeling depressed over the inability to work them is a good thing, but it helps not being alone.

Anyways, I had planned to write about my love for words, not my hate for numbers. Have you ever thought about how some words sound? How they roll over your tongue and you almost feel like saying them over and over just because they are beautiful? Or is it only me that is that strange?
Or have you thought how some words just.. fit? How they just sound right for what they mean?

Like the word "fuck"... it is such a small word, a hard word. But for the act? It is perfect, it's not about making love.. it's about something harder and it is just a good word for it. Trust me, the Swedish word for it doesn't sound good! So yeah, I like the word fuck.
I also like the word "serendipity". It's a cute word and it just fits perfect with the meaning.
I actually don't like the word "blog". It's small and hard but not in the good way, just in an annoying way that makes me want to avoid it.

Well, I guess todays post will be labeled under "rambling" (a word I do like) because I feel like I really got nothing said at all. Ah well.

Over and out

Writing Gabriel

Writing is really hard right now. Or rather, writing what I planned to write is really hard right now. I thought I was telling Wilja's story, she was the one that came to me first and gave me details about her life but as I look back at it now, I that she didn't really come to me as much as she came from me.
So much of her personality is my personality, picture perfect model of me? Perhaps, but that makes her very hard to write, because I haven't found the balance between me and her. How much of myself am I willing to pour into her?

What I didn't expect was Gabriel. He came to me, really came to me, and had so much to tell me, so many things he wanted me to write and right now it is easier to write his story than the one I had planned to. I guess from the start the idea was to write Wilja's and Gabriel's present and then some day return to Gabriel's past (wow, how big headed of me to already plan book two eh?) but right now, I am almost pondering telling Gabriel's story instead because I am falling more and more in love with him by the day.
Or maybe it isn't really me pondering it, I think it is he telling me... and who am I to say no to Gabriel?

Over and out

Dyscalculia

Today I am in a foul mood. Honestly, I feel like kicking something, screaming, crying... instead I settle for cigarettes and hot tea.

I was over at my mom's place, and we sat talking... and I decided to try to explain to her how hard it can be with dyscalculia, math disability for those too lazy to read the link. Sort of dyslexia but for numbers. Anyway, I got it, and it's really fucking hard to deal with sometimes. Dyslexia is a well known thing, but this problem with numbers, with math, it's not all that well known. I can count a little but I can't remember numbers. Don't ask me to remember how much something cost if I haven't read it recently. Don't ask me to remember model numbers on.. anything. Honestly? Don't expect me to straight on be able to tell you someones age, I can't say my own husbands age without thinking about it. I can barely tell my own age without a seconds thought. How fucked up isn't that? It makes me feel stupid, so stupid, and I hate it. I really really do.
It is really hard to deal with sometimes, makes me very depressed and I honestly try to avoid any situation where I need to remember numbers or count much. Might sound strange since I sit in the cash registry at work, but that part is easy, the machine tells me how much change to give and that is about all the counting I can do. I don't know why I seldom tell people this, I guess it is out there now with this post. I needed to get it out there... I am so fucking tired of being scared of numbers, of being scared people expecting me to count fast or remember numbers they recently told me.
I tried to explain this to my mother, how much it hurts me to barely being able to remember my own age... and she laughed. She thought it was funny. It's not. I swear, it isn't even a little bit funny. It's hell. It hurt so much to hear her laugh it off and then just change subject.

I ramble, I whine, I know. I need to. Right now I just need to get it all out there, to be the whiny bitch who just sits and feel sorry for herself. And if you laugh at this post? Well, don't tell me.. just... fuck off.

Over and out

The Road to WrestleMania

It's drawing closer, less than two weeks to WrestleMania! And I am all giddy about it. Of course I am! There are some really spectacular matches lined up this year.

Triple Treat Match:
Randy Orton vs Cody Rhodes vs Ted DeBiase

WWE Championchion
Batista vs John Cena

World Heavyweight Champion
Edge (omg omg omg) vs Jericho

Career vs Streak
Shawn Michaels vs The Undertaker

Money in the Bank (much love)

Bret Hart vs Vince McMahon

And another few treats for me. I don't know what to think about the first one, I am a major Orton fan but I also really like Cody Rhodes so having them against each other aren't the best thing for me, I hope Ted get beaten up good however!
Batista vs Cena? Well, I can't stand Cena so go go Batista!!! As for the match with Edge... of course I am hoping for Edge to win, I love Edge! I was in heaven when he came back at Royal Rumble (re-watched it oh so many times)
Even though I don't really like either Shawn Michaels or Undertaker I am hoping for Undertaker to win cause I reeeeeally wan't Mr HBK to retire!

As for the wonderful Money in the Bank match I really don't know who I want to win. I had really hoped they would put either Cody Rhodes or John Morrison in it and give them a chance for big belts but no such luck. Wouldn't mind Christian or Even Bourne winning it I guess. I don't want to see Kane or Shelton Benjamin win however!
Dearie Morrison have a match at WrestleMania, for the United Tag Team Championchip and even though he is teaming with the terrible R-Truth I do hope they win!

Oh I want WrestleMania to come now! NOW! *eager*

Over and out

To a friend

So, today I actually planned to go all sweet and adorable and crap like that.

I honestly just wanted to send a big hug to one of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. I know I am grumpy and pouty sometimes but even if it means I scowl at him at first, he will always do what he can to make me feel better.
So thanks sweetie for being there, always supporting me, listen when I need to cry, and even force other people to comfort me when you know that you can't. Thanks for reading my writings, and for understanding how much it means to me.
The only bad thing is that you live in fucking Spain you ass! But I still love you Dominic!

Over and out

Welcome Gabriel

Wow, I haven't written in almost a week, that's just bad! I guess I been to wrapped up in fanfic plus the story I am trying to write. 

It is really amazing to write again, slowly my characters reveal themselves to me, one bit at the time. And no, I aren't creating them... at least it doesn't feel like I do that. It more feels like I found them, and now they are telling me who they are. How messed up does that sound? Well, for those of you out there that writes, I guess it doesn't sound all that insane. 

The most annoying thing is my main male character didn't want to tell me his name for days. I tried to write around it but it felt so strange not knowing his name at all. I know his looks, I know how he dresses, the way he talks but the bastard just refused to give me a name to go with it all. Then one morning I woke up at 5am (not recommended) and I just knew. It was crystal clear, he was Gabriel. So now me and Gabriel are getting to know each other, it is a lot of history he wants me to know and I am loving it so much. I do hope Wilja will give me as much information with time, she haven't given me much details so far. 

It is strange tho, I can see a guy at work and think "Oh, Gabriel would love that jacket!" or walk past a certain spot in town and go "Gabriel loves this place, I wonder what happened to him here...". I am not sure why Gabriel gets to me more than Wilja has so far, considering she found me first, but right now it is all about Gabriel.  I just hope my words will do him justice in time. 

Of all people that know I write, a total of two people have asked me what I write about. I am not sure if I should be relieved or annoyed at that. 

Over and out

The Academy Awards

So, last night was the night of the Academy Awards. Those that know me even a little must know that I have longed for that. I like the award season but lets face it, its the Academy Awards! It's the crown jewel of award shows.

So what did I think? Let start with Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, I was a bit worried when they got the gig, and looking back at it I get why. They did not deliver, it was mostly lame jokes and no feeling but ah well. I guess I got spoiled last year with Hugh Jackman being such a wonderful host.

I will not go through it all but lets start with the important thing: The Hurt Locker owned Avatars ass! Seriously! Oh I was bouncing up and down every time THL won anything. Kathryn Bigelow getting Best Director, that is just huge! First time ever a female gets that and she gets it for a war movie! And what a war movie. I don't get that people think it glorifies war or that it's "go go USA" kind of movie, it really isn't- It's about how war affects the people that are stuck in them. I very much feel that they deserved Best Original Script, Best Achievement in Editing, Best Achievement in Sound and Best Achievement in Sound Editing! And dear god did they deserve Best Movie! I just don't get how people can think Avatar deserved any of those prizes. Avatar won the Oscars they deserved, the ones that were only about the looks. If you haven't watched The Hurt Locker you really should, and go in with open mind because it deserves it. There is a sort of beauty to the entire movie.

Best Actor, well, we all knew Jeff Bridges would take it even though I felt a bit sad for dear Colin Firth. Not surprised about Sandra Bullock either, she deserved it. As for Waltz winning for Best Actor in Supporting Role? Well, again, we all knew he would, but I still think Stanley Tucci deserved it more. But that's just me.

As you might have noticed, I can't be arsed with links today, too tired for that. Go IMDb it yourself you lazy gits.
Over all? The gala itself was a bit boring, nothing special, but the prizes? Well, I am very happy with it! Now to calm down and start to prepare for next years show!

Over and out

Music makes the world go round

By now all know of my love of books and reading. I will not go into that all over again (even though I will return to it some other day). I do have one other love however: music.
I love singing even though I am actually nice enough to do it when no one can hear it. I don't lite silence, my life needs a soundtrack, even though it gets tedious at work sometimes. That kind of music they play there is not the soundtrack my life needs.

Do I like all music? Dear god no, I can be terribly picky and I really really dislike being forced to listen to music I don't like. Music needs to have a soul, to have lyrics that get's to you. To have a melody that just gets to you no matter what else you are doing when you hear it. You know that feeling? You can have a long playlist of songs you never heard before and then one song comes up and you just know you love it and you know you want to listen to it again and again. That kind of music gives the same wonder that a long book can give you.

Right now, my drug is Placebo, I have listened to them before but then now I just fell head over heels in love with them and it's pretty much the only thing I listen to. Black Eyed just got to me, in a way no song have in quite some time, almost like it was about me (and how messed up isn't that? But yeah, it fits me.) Running up that hill also needs a mention, I am usually not one for covers but this one is better than the original in every way possible. It has so much feeling and soul to it that it's almost painful to listen to.

Depeche Mode are my musical gods. They got the sound, they got a singer who's voice gets to your heart every single time and they got lyrics to go with it all. It is hard to pick out special songs here because, well, it is DM. But one song needs to be mentioned, Everything Counts, this might just be the best song performed live in the history of ever. One of the few times I prefer the live version to the studio version.
I can't even put my finger on what it is that makes Depeche Mode so special, they just are. I have loved them for years and years and even though I don't listen to them all that often anymore, they still own my heart.

Here are a few snapshots from some song with lyrics that I just love:

"I was never faithful 
And I was never one to trust 
Borderlining schizo 
And guaranteed to cause a fuss." 
Black Eyed - Placebo

"I'm not going down on my knees,
Begging you to adore me.
Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me."
Shake the Disease - Depeche Mode

"The sun was born and so it shall die
So only shadows comfort me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me"
Further - VnV Nation

"It's a secret no one tells
One day it's heaven, one day it's hell.
It's no fairy tale
Take it from me
That's the way it's supposed to be"
Even Angels Fall - Jessica Riddle

"If I treated you bad, you bruise my face
Couldn't love you more, you got a beautiful taste"
Glycerine - Bush

"Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man"
Carry on wayward son - Kansas

Wow, uplifting songs eh? I guess the "boy meets girl and live happily ever after" kind of songs aren't my thing. Need the kind of songs where the writer gives him/herself out in the song.

Will end for now, did anyone actually have patience to read this far? If so, sorry for just rambling on but that's what I am all about. I write about things that matter to me, and I still hope it is more interesting than the millions of fashion blogs out there. But who knows...

Over and out

10 random things: I don't like

1. I don't like belly buttons. I got no idea why but I honestly find them quite disgusting.
   
2. I don't like people I don't know touching me, even if it's only a hand on the arm. I don't like hand shakes much either.
   
3. I don't like people that make fun of reading! (Actually, I think those people are idiots that shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.)
   
4. I don't like liquorice because... well, it's nasty!
   
5. I don't like people that think girls shouldn't like porn, or that girls can't make/write porn. (And no, I am not a feminist.)
   
6. I don't like feminists.
   
7. I don't like people who, when they find out I am adopted, go "Do you wanna find your real parents?". My real parents are the ones that raised me. Blood might be thicker than water, but love is way thicker than blood!
   
8. I don't like people who try to shove their religion or opinions down my throat, I can make up my own mind, thank you very much.
   
9. I don't like people that don't like cats!
   
10. I don't like beer, unless it's Corona. 

Over and out

Placebo - Black Eyed

I was never faithful
And I was never one to trust
Borderlining schizo
And guaranteed to cause a fuss
I was never loyal
Except to my own pleasure zone
I'm forever black-eyed
A product of a broken home

I was never faithful
And I was never one to trust
Borderline bipolar
Forever biting on your nuts
I was never grateful
That's why I spend my days alone
I'm forever black-eyed
A product of a broken
home (Broken home)
Black-eyed [repeat]

I was never faithful
And I was never one to trust
Borderlining schizo
And guaranteed to cause a fuss
I was never loyal
Except to my own pleasure zone
I'm forever black-eyed
A product of a broken
home (Broken home)
Black-eyed [repeat]


*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


I am so addicted to this song, really. Some lyrics just get to you, and this one is it for me. Shows just how messed up I am, eh?


Over and out

Gods and religion

Religion is usually a topic I try to avoid, because lets face it, it can turn nasty pretty fast. The other day I saw a show on TV about God, made by Mr Jonas Gardell. It was quite interesting, the way he talked about God/gods and how the God of christianity has evolved over thousands of years. And of course it made me start to think (always a scary thing, I know) and once again I found myself thinking about my own relationship to gods and religions. 

I am not a believer. On the other hand, I am not a non-believer either. I got a lot of respect for religion, or rather, for faith. I can really envy people that do believe, it must be nice to always have somewhere to turn, to be so sure in something. I can't really believe however, and I have tried! It's just not me. I don't go with the "You can't prove there is a God" crap, if you knew it wouldn't be faith now would it? But you can't prove there isn't a god of some kind either. Maybe there is, I just got a hard time seeing it. At least the modern version God, all knowing and kind and so on and so forth. I guess I can believe in something, but I wouldn't want to call it God, or any kind of god. Maybe there is something out there, something that makes things happen, something that made the big bang go bang. But I can't get with the idea of a personal force, a she or he that cares about puppies and stuff. Not something you can pray to, no angels (and now those I wish I could believe in... wings... *drool*) to watch over us. I guess I am more of a Gaia person than a God person. 

Does this make any sense to anyone? Because it doesn't even make much sense to me.

Over and out

Fetish of the week: wings

So, today I watched Legion. It kinda majorly fucking sucked. The idea for it rocked, but the script? I don't know, it kinda felt like they lost half the story somewhere along the line. You got an explanation to absolutely nothing. But, part of me still liked it due to one fact: wings!

I don't know what it is with me and wings, but I pretty much was moaning with pleasure when they showed the wings of the angels. And that wasn't even all that good wings, way too small for my liking but still.. it was wings. And they were glossy black and I wish I could just move my hands over them. Sometimes I really hate fiction, some things I just wish could be true!
That makes me rather messed up I think, but oh dearie me I wish there were creatures with wings like that. Or vampires. Winged vampires, now that would be wonderful!

Guess I need to use my Google-fu to find some nice wingfic to read, something to drool over. Something to dream about.

Oh, by the way, Legion did suck, but it was still better than Inglorius Basterds!

Over and out

This is why I write

Lately I started writing again. It started with poetry, a lot more than I have written for years. It just keep pouring out of me and I find it wonderful! Well, not the poetry itself, I aren't as good as I would wish for, but I like being able to write. I love the feel of words, sentences, just flowing into my mind, urging me to write them down. I really don't think I myself make them up, or well, of course it is me.. but I don't plan it. Ah, my rambling makes a perfect sense that is not.

I guess my poems can be like plot bunnies, it starts with just a line and when I finally get that line perfect it just comes more and more and I have to write it all down. Of course I have to write it down.

I have started to working on a book manuscript. I hope it turns out better than the one I wrote when I was 15 or so, to be honest that one was quite terrible but I guess we will see. I don't really write to get published, although it of course would be very very nice. I write because I like it, and because I sometimes have to. That's also why I got this blog, sometimes I just need to pour things out there. Almost like a pensieve for words. 

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We are the ones that are open hearted
we got open souls and open minds.
We are the children of the present
the ones with the future at our feet.
We are the kids of music and fashion,

the gods of the age of rock and roll.

We are the youth of the darkest hour

we are whatever we want to be

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Over and out

Guilty pleasure

So, I am overly nuttily obsessed with Supernatural. Last been I have been a mess to be honest. Almost like I was the first weeks with Twilight. But considering I been following Supernatural for quite some time now it feels silly to become a rabid fan now. Shouldn't that have happened at start? Hm, considering I watched like 2 seasons in 2-3 days I guess it did happen back then as well. 

But this re-birth of obsession. Well, partly it's the time of year. Was same time of year for Twilight. The time of year when I just want to hide away for awhile and nothing like something made up to offer you really good hiding place. 

But that is only part of the reason. The other part is due to LiveJournal. Honestly, you boys and girls over there seriously messed with my mind! And I who always scoffed at fanfic. I thought people should stop mutilating good shows/movies/books trying to make their own take on it. Boy, did I get to eat my own words there, eh?

I didn't even care much about fanfic before "The monster at the end of this book" but then I decided to check it out and well. Here I am. Truthfully though, some of the fanfic is pure rubbish and those people should not be allowed near a computer ever again. But some of it? Some of it is art. They have me laughing and crying and sometimes just melting away. Plus some of them are really kinky, and you know me, I like the kinks!

Time to go dig out some more stories to drown in, I am still hiding in my little corner of nowhere and got no plans to come out unless I really need to.

Over and out

Hiding

This really isn't my favourite time of year, I guess there are too many bad memories. It has been a few years now however, it would be nice if all stupid memories could just fade away. Or if they at least could stop to drag me down a little bit every year. But then, each year gets easier. So far no crying fits or anything. I just feel a bit off in a strange way. Like I am not quite here, not fully connected to what's happening around me.

Parts of me seriously wish I had some medication right now, some valium or something like that just to take the edge off. But then I know it is silly to think like that, after all, it was the meds that had me crashing in the first place. Ok, that isn't really true, the crashing was a long slow process the medications was just a really good way to make a spectacular dive at the end.
Right now I am quite satisfied with cuddeling up in my own private corner of the world and hide in books and stories.

Hiding is good.

Over and out

Books - the love of my life

So, why do people always feel the need to comment on my reading? Really, does it bother you somehow? Does it scare you? Do you pick on people for playing sports or playing an instrument? Or is it just us "geeks" that it's open season on?

I really don't get it, why do people feel the need to always comment? "Haha, do you always have a book with you?", "oh my, how many books do you read each year? Hihi, reading is so boring". Well, apparently I don't find reading all that boring since yes, most of the time I will carry a book with me. Books are a hell of a lot better company than most people I have met. I don't expect people to understand, but I sure as hell expect them to respect it. Books is my love, my life. I will not, can not, live without them.

The world of books got me through my days when no therapy, no medicins could. They kept me somewhat sane when everything around me was crumbling painfully. And when things just got too much to bare, they were my safe haven.

And why do people look down on audio books? If one more person out there giggle and call me lazy for listening to audio books I think I will scream. Just because some illiterate people can't grasp the pure wonder that books are, even when they are spoken out loud, it does not give them the right to push me down. Yes, I am quite upset because I am really fed up with this so before anyone else out there decides to laugh at me for reading, let me make this clear:
No matter who you are, I will choose my books over you. Any day. Every time. 

Over and out

Don't take my Supernatural away!

I guess it comes as no surprise to anyone that I am a major Supernatural fan, I got Nil and Luke to blame for that. You guys got me addicted!

So now we are slowly reaching the end of season 5. The problem is, I don't know yet if it will be a season 6. Creator Kripke is said to leave after this season however. Part of me wants more, much much more! And part of me hope for a really good ending of the show. This is one of the few shows I want on DVD to save forever and ever. This one and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Really, I am so addicted.

So what do I find out today? That it wont be any Supernatural for weeks! You bastards! Supernatural is the high light of my week (yes, that might be a bit strange but still!) and you remove it? I have to wait until March 25th. You give me the great My Bloody Valentine episode, where you at the end starts wondering, will Dean say yes after all? And then you make me wait for one bloody month! It isn't fair I tell you. And I just re-watched all seasons so I can't really do that again... no wait, who am I kidding? Of course I can do that again! Thats the great thing with being a total nutty addict!

Plus, I always got fanfic to get me through my days!

Over and out