This is me breaking

I thought I had been doing good, I thought I was strong.


Then the papers came, neat print on white background, summing up 5,5 years. Ending them.


Yesterday I didn't feel much, numb perhaps? Then this morning I woke up, panic and pain. I can only cry and cry. Cry until my chest hurts, until I feel raw. Cry until I can't breathe, until I can't think.


I cried so hard I ended up retching into the toilet, I have never done that before. Didn't even know you could.


It all feels so final, despite the tree weeks appeal time until it's actually fulfilled. But seeing the papers...it made it so real. And it all comes pouring out of me, all the pain I haven't let myself deal with in my attempts to "be okay". I should be working today, not an option when I can barely stand up.


The pain is like nothing I have ever felt. Please make it go away.


"This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together."


I am not okay, this is me breaking.


Over and out