A way to keep myself together

So, my latest post got me thinking. Of who I am. I mean, there are so many parts, so many images I project that I sometimes forget who I really am. But most of all, I tend to forget why I am the person I am.

There are a lot of things that happen in our lives that shape us, and I wish I could say that they are good things but I often feel like most of the thing that have shaped me were bad things. Some of it are small things, that slowly form you into something new, something different. And then you got the big things, the earth shattering things that almost wipe away everything and leave you there to build up the pieces again. I have had my share of both kinds.

The one thing that have shaped me more than anything? It was really a thing happening slowly, and at the same time it happened fast. Pretty much like going down a slope, slow at start but then it all just picked up speed and ended at rock bottom.
I was 19 back then, and had pretty much been in a deep depression for years. I was addicted to Stesolid (Valium), something I didn't realize back then but that I know now, looking back at it all. I was in a short but intense relationship that was a roller coaster of emotions. And then it all crashed. I ended up taking way too many pills, attempted suicide I guess you would call it but it didn't feel like that back then. It was just after the first 10+ pills it didn't seem like a big deal to take more. I think I downed around 1.5 bottle of Stesolid and sleeping pills and ended up in the hospital for two weeks. And the relationship? Well, my dear asshole of an ex-boyfriend dumped me the day after, while I still was half drugged from all the pills. That would be my rock bottom. Empty hospital halls, white hospital walls, and tears and screaming and a pain that I can't describe.

So there you have it, the one thing that shaped my life in the biggest way. I don't think of it daily anymore, but I guess things from that time pop into my mind at least once a week, probably more. I was broken, and from the day I got out of that hospital I had to pick up the pieces and try to build myself up again. I can't say I did a perfect job, but looking back over the last years, I guess I could have done worse as well.

What am I trying to say with this post? Well, I know I have issues. Hell, I got issues enough to fill a mansion, but  I am trying. Still now it is a work in progress but I have my reasons. I don't shut people out because I want to. I don't hide myself because I want to. And when I am a total bitch? Well, it isn't always because I want to. Sometimes, it is because it's my way to keep myself together.

I can not break again.

Over and out