For the love of frogs

I fell in love with these frogs. I am really pondering tattooing one or both of them. Not sure yet. I have wanted a frog tattoo for quite some time now and when I saw these it just clicked. I might do only the left one, save the other one for another time. 

I haven't met many people who understand my love for frogs, most people just seem to find it a bit strange but funny. And then there is my muse (who I even aren't sure read this blog, but ah well) who just got it. Yay! I am not alone in my love for frogs!

I have promised myself that if I manage to get a fic done for a certain fanfic challenge, I will buy myself something from The Frog Store. Oh the amount of money I could burn in that store. Really. Like, wow! If anyone would feel like giving me birthday presents, that would be the place to shop them. Just so you know!

Over and out

End of the season

So it's that time of year. That time when the shows I follow go in for the summer hiatus. Season finales left and right and some deliver, some...not so much.

*'*Spoilers ahead for: Supernatural, Criminal Minds, How I met your mother, The Big Bang Theory**

There is no one as bad as you...

So I am writing. Fanfic. But the thing is, in the story I am writing now I put pieces of me into the story. And it's fucking hard to write.

I mentioned in a post awhile back that my ex dumped me the day after an attempted suicide. Charming of him, no? Anyway, that wasn't the only thing he did. He did it saying he couldn't be in a relationship right then, that he wasn't ready. Two months later, I guess he was ready. Just not with me. 

He got together with some girl who he knew from earlier, but hey... why tell me that? Why tell your ex something big like that?

Well, he did tell me. After he slept with me (and yeah, not one of my proudest moments), and the way he told me. It was so sweet.

"I can't believe the first time I cheat, it's with you of all people. But we should keep doing this, you could be my mistress."

Doesn't that just sound like a sweetheart? It might not be word perfect (translation + years of trying to not think about that night) but still, you get the general idea. If there is one person in this world I truly hate, it's him. I hate him for what he did to me in that hospital. I hate him for the way he crushed me again just when I was about to build myself up again.

He is one of the reasons I am broken. Not the only one, not even the main reason, but still. Part of the puzzle. 

So, I put him in one of my stories. And fuck, it helps. It helps because the people that read it? They hate him. And yeah, it's childish and vindictive of me to like that. And I don't care. 

Over and out

Not even I like all books

 So, yeah. I am giving up on reading Kurt fucking Vonnegut. Seriously, what the fucking hell?

I am halfway through "Breakfast of Champions" and it's not worth it. It's driving me insane to even try. The last time I sat down to read I managed a whooping 4 pages before I tossed it away and pondered if I wouldn't rather  go and read some Donald Duck because that would be much more rewarding.
And yes, I actually do like Donald but I prefer the comics from the 50's and 60's compared to the new ones. I think I would prefer the worst of the new ones compared to Vonnegut however. I think I would prefer watching The PowerPuff Girls over Vonnegut.

Anyway. Yeah. Vonnegut. No.

~*~

Think I will go get me some Neil Gaiman instead. Or maybe Pratchett. Nah, sorry Lena but will go for Gaiman. 

Also, I got Bareback to read, and it looks really interesting even though it's written in first person, I usually don't read stuff like that but hey, it was super-mega-cheap so I had to buy it.

Like really... had to. I could not leave the store without it. Full prize: 180 SEK. On sale: 20 SEK. Like I said, had to buy it.

Over and out 

My latest addiction

 My latest addiction (yes I have a few) is ice latte. And really, it's a fucking addiction! I can easily down several a day, and have done so as well.

Just ask Michael, the poor thing knows what I get like when running on a combination of writing high and caffeine rush. I get.. uhm.. excited? Bouncy? Eager? Fucking annoying?

I think they all fit to be honest. 

So yeah, downing 3-4 lattes, made of double espressos, in no time, wasn't really the brightest of ideas. But hell, it did make me write a lot. Not only stories though, I think I wrote whole essays while chatting to Michael on MSN. Waterfall of babbling. He write one line and I answered back with 10. But hey, at least I was all nice about it and not my grumpy-sleep-deprived self. 

But, who can blame me? They are just so yummy. And I don't even like coffee! Expect for now.. when I apparently do. 

On another note, writing the third part of my fanfic now, and I even found a beta for it. Feels completely fan-fucking-tastic! Who knew having people love your writing would be this bloody amazing?

I love writing fanfic, I did not expect that. But the way my characters talk? It's really a way that wouldn't fit all that well in a book but it feels like.. me. Like the way we talked in WoW and stuff. Way too rude, not very politically correct and with quite a few curses. So yeah, pretty much 100% me.

Over and out 

Gone is my fanfic virginity

It's interesting, today I worked from 9 in the morning to past 8 in the evening. And I don't even feel tired. I feel bouncy and giddy.

And I know why.

Today is seriously one of the best days in the history of fucking ever!!!

Thanks to Michael I finally dared to post my very first fanfic over at the community I been hanging on. I know, fanfic.. blah blah and all of that but what can I say, I caved in!
Been working on it for weeks, but finally I got it good enough to publish a first part. I plan to write more.

I posted it last night and when I woke up to comments, to wonderful comments!

I can't even begin to describe how it feels, it's surreal. I was so scared before I posted, what if people hated it? What if no one even bothered to read it? What if, what if, what if.

"WOW - You scored a Grand Slam (baseball term - bases loaded & batter up hits a home run & brings all the boys home) with this. Especially for it being your first fic & English not being native language. I bow down to your awesomeness"


Seriously, how can you not be bouncing after a comment like that?


" I need more! This was fantastic. Loved every part of it."


I think I grinned happily for one hour non stop when I read the comments. It's such an amazing feeling. 


Also, no, I won't let just anyone read it. Fanfic is a special thing, you need to be a part of the fandom to get it and... you also need to be quite insane and to have a tinhat as your regular attire. (Don't even ask me to explain.)
A few people know what I write, the rest? Well... look up the explanation of RPF and you might get it.
It is not what I planned to write, but loving it. Still working on my original stuff as well but fanfic gives me an outlet for the crazy. 


Over and out

You put too much into my words..

Today I am in quite a crappy mood. And that is really annoying me because when I woke up I was in a really good mood. But then, it's not the first time something small can put my day off centre.

I write this blog for a purpose, for me it is a kind of therapy. In other words, I don't really write it for someone to read, I write it for me to vent. I do like it when people read it, of course I do, but it is a bonus, not the purpose.

However, I guess people read a bit too much into it sometimes. If I get another "aww, I read your blog, how are you?" I think I will scream.
Honestly people, I love you to pieces but stop taking for granted I feel bad. Trust me, the days I feel bad I wont be talking to any of you so just give it a rest. The only thing you manage is to make me feel like I should feel bad about something.

I write to get the stuff out of my head, not for people to shove it back in my face. Talk about, ask questions for all that you want and I will try to answer them.
And yes, I am quite aware of how I sound, like a complete bitch. But it's kinda getting to me. I do not write the sad posts on days when I feel bad, I write them on days I feel good enough to actually think about things in a rational way, the bad days I don't write.

It's just hard to be in a good mood and then have people taking for granted I am feeling sad because of some blog post I did hours or even days ago. I am doing fine guys, that is why I write.

I know you mean well, I really do. But I don't hear what you mean inside, I hear what you say.

Over and out

I bear my heart for all to see

 Here is a random fact not that many people know about me: I cry. A lot.

I haven't always been like this. Hell, when I was on medication I couldn't really cry at all. That is the fun thing with "happy pills", at least for me they don't work. At least they don't made me happy. What they did as dull everything, I couldn't feel sad the same way I did before but I could never feel really happy either.
Anyway, I honestly think that is connected with my easy tears now.

I talked about this with Nil awhile back, trying to figure it all out.
The thing is I lived for years with shutting the feelings inside, closing them off, taking happy pills to make it all better and then taking calming pills when that didn't work. And now? I don't do pills, I do feelings.
It is like it all just went reverse or something, instead of hiding all my feelings they just bubble up now.

Hence, I cry, a lot.

It's not something I want to be doing, but things get to me. Movies, songs, stories. If it gets touchy feely I will cry. I cry during the thank you speeches at the Academy Awards. I cry during break up scenes, I cry during make up scenes. I can get all teary eyed just remembering stuff that made me cry. And trust me, it makes me feel like the biggest sissy girl ever!
And at the same time I like it. I have feelings again! Sure I been off the meds for years now but still, sometimes it just amazes me to have the full spectre of feelings again and I wouldn't give it up for anything.

This blog is all part of me trying to get even more in contact with my feelings, with actually embracing them and letting people know me. Not a fake me but the real me. The girl who cries every time she watches When Harry met Sally, the girl who loved soft toys, the girl who thinks apple pies must be better than ambrosia and who some days just curls up on the sofa to cry for no good reason. I just want you to see me.

Also, the choice of headline for today is from a VnV Nation song.

Over and out