Discontinued

This blog will be put to sleep. Maybe some day I will return here but for now I will post my ramblings on another, more private, site. I just can't be open here with everything that is happening to me right now. So I'm going into hiding.

If you feel you know me well enough to get access to that place, let me know and we can discuss it.

Over and out

This is me breaking

I thought I had been doing good, I thought I was strong.


Then the papers came, neat print on white background, summing up 5,5 years. Ending them.


Yesterday I didn't feel much, numb perhaps? Then this morning I woke up, panic and pain. I can only cry and cry. Cry until my chest hurts, until I feel raw. Cry until I can't breathe, until I can't think.


I cried so hard I ended up retching into the toilet, I have never done that before. Didn't even know you could.


It all feels so final, despite the tree weeks appeal time until it's actually fulfilled. But seeing the papers...it made it so real. And it all comes pouring out of me, all the pain I haven't let myself deal with in my attempts to "be okay". I should be working today, not an option when I can barely stand up.


The pain is like nothing I have ever felt. Please make it go away.


"This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together."


I am not okay, this is me breaking.


Over and out

Today

I think I have been strong through the last week. Sure, I have cried but I do have reasons for that. But mostly I kept strong, I can still laugh and joke and smile. I am still me.

Today I aren't. Today I am weak, and I will let myself be weak. Today I will cry, let it all out. Wrapped around a pillow, crying so hard it hurts. Today I will embrace the pain and tomorrow things will be better, things will be a bit more bearable.

Today it's four years since I got married.

It feels surreal, we were supposed to be celebrating this day, we weren't supposed to be over.

I know we did the right choice, for all the right reasons. But today reason isn't enough. Today no logic can make it easier.

Today I will miss you, today I will cry.

Over and out

This is me now

So, how about being honest? I've been saying I am doing fine, that it was mutual and it's no problems and whatever. Yes, it was was mutual, but what people don't seem to understand is that mutual or not, it still hurts like hell.

I can't even begin to explain it.

This is pain, raw and undiluted pain and I can't to anything to make it go away. I am dealing, but yeah, I'm in pain.

I ignore people, I know I am, because I can't talk about it, I can't explain how I feel to every one. I get your messages, and I love that you send them, but I aren't ready to talk yet.

I feel weak. I really know that I aren't but that's how it feels. I hate showing emotions in public and so far I crashed and cried at work two days in a row. I kinda feel pathetic.

Just, treat me like normal? Please? I am still me, I can still smile and laugh, but I also cry, I also feel like something inside me is breaking. I will deal, but this is what I will be like for weeks, months.

I have some people I want to thank... All the girls over at LJ, I love you girls so much and I have no idea how I would get through this all without you. Dominic, for just being there, patient and understanding and never pushing me, I love you. And to Michael, I really have no idea what I would do without you, the rock you have been for me this last week.

I am good. And I am bad. I am happy. I am crying.

I'm in mourning.

Over and out

When love is not enough

What do you do when all you know fall to pieces? When everything you have hoped for, dreamed about, turns into smoke?

What do you do when everything is changing and you are standing still in a chaos of emotions?

What do you do when love is not enough?

~*~

I never wanted this to end. I never wanted us to end. We were supposed to be forever, we were supposed to grow old and grey together.

Forever turned out to be five and a half year.

Yes, we are making the right choice. We will be better apart than we are together. We need this, to get on with our lives, to be all that we can be. To not end up hating each other.

But it hurts. It really fucking hurts that I will have to lose you to find myself. My finger feels too light without the weight of the rings. My heart feels too heavy without the knowledge of forever.

I love you and I will have to let you go. And I will miss you. How can the right thing hurt so much?

Over and out

For the love of frogs

I fell in love with these frogs. I am really pondering tattooing one or both of them. Not sure yet. I have wanted a frog tattoo for quite some time now and when I saw these it just clicked. I might do only the left one, save the other one for another time. 

I haven't met many people who understand my love for frogs, most people just seem to find it a bit strange but funny. And then there is my muse (who I even aren't sure read this blog, but ah well) who just got it. Yay! I am not alone in my love for frogs!

I have promised myself that if I manage to get a fic done for a certain fanfic challenge, I will buy myself something from The Frog Store. Oh the amount of money I could burn in that store. Really. Like, wow! If anyone would feel like giving me birthday presents, that would be the place to shop them. Just so you know!

Over and out

End of the season

So it's that time of year. That time when the shows I follow go in for the summer hiatus. Season finales left and right and some deliver, some...not so much.

*'*Spoilers ahead for: Supernatural, Criminal Minds, How I met your mother, The Big Bang Theory**