Friends that came and went

I think I have "lived" online since I was 15 or so, chats and communities and forums, the lot of it. The interesting thing is all the people you get to know over the years, the sad thing is all the people you loose.

Over the years there have been people that came into my life and then just went away and I didn't think much more of it, online friendships seldom last. But then there has been those people, that stays in my heart long after they left my life. Those hurts. The ones that you wanted to keep around, the ones where I never found out what went wrong. And it hurts.
I figured long ago that the problem must be me. It pretty much goes the same every time, Annie finds a person, Annie talks to person and person manages to get through Annie's barricades. Person turns into Friend. And here is where things usually start to slide. At first it is all hugs and kittens (no puppies here) and sunshine, until Friend start to answer less and less when you try to talk to them. When Friend just... pulls back and Annie is left standing there wondering what the hell went wrong this time. Rinse and repeat.

And people wonder why I have a hard time letting the barricades down?

I could get it if it was someone I talked to for a month, but no, we talk a year or more of chat, not every single day or anything (I aren't that stalkerish) and then they just are gone. For once I really fucking wish one of them could man up and explain themselves.

So what did I start to think about this now? I don't know. I guess I sat remembering names, people I opened up to that just pulled away, people I gave it all and they just... left.

I don't expect people to hang around forever, you can't plan forever. But I wish people could at least give answers.

So here is my request: don't claw your way into my life, don't tell me you love me and we are friends, if you plan to leave without a second glance back.

I don't want to loose more people. I want you to stay.

Over and out

Music makes the world go round: part 2

Lately my taste in music has shifted some from the harder electronical music I used to listen to before to softer songs, where the focus is more on the lyrics and the melody than just sounds. Maybe that is a part of growing up? Don't get me wrong, I can still enjoy some of the harder things, both synth and rock but right now I mostly listen to Matt Nathanson and Lifehouse.

The lyrics are the biggest part of this change I think, I listen more and more to lyrics and not only the music, I have always needed lyrics (not big on the instrumental stuff) but now it means even more than before. I have no idea if that got something to do with me actually "dealing" with stuff more now than I did before. I have actually calmed down quite a bit since I started writing this blog, I might not have many readers but I really don't write for you guys, I write for me.

I planned to give a few quotes from lyrics that get to me now, including links to said songs. So here goes:

Matt Nathanson -  Sad Songs
"I'm waiting up for you to rescue me
To come around and cover everything
Relying on my best memories
To breathe for me, breathe for me

So much better than all of this, all of this

I'm tired of singing all the sad songs in my head
But I can't find enough of anything to drown out what you said
And sometimes I find I catch myself letting you back in
And I'm so tired of singing all these sad songs in my head"

Lifehouse - Spin
"I'd rather chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than be alone and convinced that I know

And when the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing"

Lifehouse - Sick Cycle Carousel
"If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
Well here we go now one more time

'Cause I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I can get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this"

311 - Beautiful Disaster
"I know a drugstore cowgirl, so afraid of getting bored
She's always running from something, so many things ignored
I might do that stuff if it didn't make me feel like shit
I'm on some old reality tip, so many trips in it

Beautiful disaster, flyin' down the street again
I tried to keep up, you wore me out and left me ate up
Now I wish you all the luck
You're a butterfly in the wind without a care
A pretty train crash to me and I can't care
I do, I don't, whatever"

Matt Nathanson - All we are
"I tasted, tasted love so sweet
And all of it was lost on me
Bought and sold like property
Sugar on my tongue

I kept falling over
I kept looking backward
I went broke believing
That the simple should be hard

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful"

The interesting thing is these songs have been recommended to me via fanfic, I knew something good would come from reading fanfic! Fangirls rock!

Over and out

Start of "The List"

I should really make a list of stuff I want to do, like a "30 things to do before you turn 30" sort of list. I really been pondering about it. A lot of the things that would get on that list comes down to the same thing though, money. I really should start buying lottery tickets so I could win several millions and boy would I do stuff!

Too bad life doesn't work out that easily eh?

So, here are some of the things I really want to do:

1. Get my tongue pierced (been thinking about that for yeeears now)

2. 2-3 (or more) new tattoos. 

3. Play the guitar (working on that one)

4. Meet some of the people I used to play WoW with (would include following countries: Finland, UK, Spain and Greece to begin with).
5. Grow the fuck up and figure out what I want to do with my life (something with books?)

So that is 5 points. Maybe I should go with a "15 things to do..." list to begin with? I don't really want to put "see the world blah blah blah" on the list, because I don't care all that much. I have seen a lot and while I want to see more, it isn't what is important to me. I could live my entire life without going to Thailand or something like that. The things I want are more personal.

The body modification parts might seem strange to some but they are important for me. 

I guess I should do a fundraiser? Hey, I can toss you my paypal account if you want to throw some money my way! No? Didn't think so. 

I guess #5 should be #1 really. Where do I want to go with my life? 

Over and out

TV shows I love

I was seriously pondering doing a "This is why I love Supernatural"-post... but then I decided to keep that to LJ since I am pretty sure you guys are too thick to like Supernatural anyway.

So, lets go through why I love the other TV shows I watch, sounds like SO much fun? Right?

The Vampire Diaries
Well, what is not to like here? Vampires! I mean honestly! You know me and vampires, plus these ones are pretty cool (they don't sparkle...) and Ian Somerhalder is really hot. I read the books and... yeah, lets just say the TV show is way fucking better.

Criminal Minds
Not really a big surprise here, not if you know me. The psychological aspect of crime has always fascinated me even more than the forensic (I used to watch CSI) part. I own quite a few true crime books and this show brings up just the things I am interested in, the how and why of murder. What can make a person reach that point and things like that. Plus Dr Reid is cute as a button!

How I met your mother
Oh, this one is just pure win. Or rather, Neil Patrick Harris is pure win! He is what makes the show what it is. However, lately? Well, let's just say you can feel the show starting to reach it's end... I honestly thought they would wrap it up this season but I guess they will try for one more. Hope they don't mutilate it.

Big Bang Theory
I find this one even funnier than HIMYM. The boys are so cute and awkward and nerdy and well, I have always had a really soft spot for nerds. It sometime's scare me when I get their nerdy comments however, I guess I am a bigger nerd than I usually admit.

Supernatural
Yeah yeah, I know, but I haaave to write a little about it. Let's start with I owe Nil and Luke big time for getting me hooked. I have always been in love with the supernatural so I guess it wasn't really a big surprise that I liked this show, but it is more to it. It's the way Sam and Dean Winchester are, their chemistry, that is just so wonderful to watch. I am a major Dean girl so when he in the first episode say "If I called, would you have picked up?" I just needed to know... I needed to know the why and the how and now, at the end of season 5 there are still so many questions that need answer.
Plus... Jensen Ackles? Really amazingly fucking wonderfully hot!

Over and out

The internet is for porn

 I really been pondering what to write about, I haven't felt like digging deeper into the "me and my shit" posts I did before, let's leave that be for awhile. I know I am fascinating but by now I bore even myself.

So, what is there I could write about instead? Well, honestly I thought I would bring up the fun fun topic of porn (big surprise after the headline, right?)!
Something I find really fun, is when people get surprised about a girl liking porn. I mean, really people? Why wouldn't a girl like her porn? Nothing wrong with naked bodies after all.

I guess it is the feminist movement that made everyone think porn is bad, or degrading to women. I couldn't disagree more. Porn is hot. Not all porn, let's face it.. there is some really craptastic porn out there but on the other hand, not like you watch porn for the storyline. Also, there are quite a few women actually producing porn, not only staring in it. Submissive and degrading isn't the same thing (lets discuss that interesting topic some other day, okay?)
The main thing I don't like about porn? The facial expressions. They can be the biggest turnoff in the history of ever, do they actually think people look like that when having sex? Luckily non of my partners have done faces like that, or I would have to only have doggy-style sex in the future (not that I would mind).

The thing I feel like whining about right now though is gay porn. Not that I mind it, hell, I really love gay porn! (Shush you, loads of girls like gay porn, we are strange that way). My problem is, why do they film gay porn with what can only be straight guys? Honestly, if they guy can barely get hard, it isn't hot to look at. Porn is only good if the people in it seem to at least remotely like what they are doing. I guess gay porn needs better fluffers!

Well, I think I made my point here. I like porn, I like boy-on-boy action and... well. Yeah, that was about it. Suggestions for good porn are welcome!

Over and out

Matt Nathanson

 So I thought I would promote an artist I have fallen in love with. His name is Matt Nathanson and he he is an american singer/songwriter. And... he is quite amazing!

The first song I heard with him was Come On Get Higher and I pretty much got addicted from the get go. I am usually not the type to go for singer/songwriters, usually it is a lot of lovey dovey crap and not much emotions behind it all, like they are trying too hard to be all deep and brooding.

Mr Nathanson feels real though, lyrics and melodies that actually stick and that means something. That is what makes it wonderful, the way music makes you think and make you feel. 

Soon fell in love with the songs All We Are and Solace and Pain. The guy is such a good singer, such a wonderful musician and funny as hell. 

Really, check him out, he is worth it!

Over and out

Me: future guitar hero?

 I have been a major fucking slack ass here lately. Slacker ass? Slackass? Hm. Anyway, I have been one. Let's move on.

I have borrowed a guitar from a friend at work (this pic is just of a guitar, not the one I got at home since I am too lazy to dig out my camera. I just used my Google-fu) because I decided I should learn to play guitar. It will be an interesting task considering I aren't really the most musical person alive but it will give me something to do I guess.

The idea has been around for awhile now but it was really when I started listening more to Matt Nathanson that I decided I really want to be able to play. I will try to teach myself how to play, hopefully with a few helping nudges from friends (yes, I expect you guys to nudge!).
I do have one extra goal with this brilliant plan of mine: make my neighbor hate me as much as I hate him. I think that is a noble cause.

Other random stuff: Thursday marks the 100th episode of Supernatural. This season is rapidly coming to an end and I am really nervous about how they will wrap it all up. But I guess Kripke will give us fangirls some cliff hanger from hell and I will go totally insane during the summer. Yes, I do expect that but still: In Kripke We Trust!

Over and out

10 random things: that makes me happy

This one is for Chris who said I have written about the things that made me sad and he asked for me to write about the good things for once. Thank you, I needed a nudge in the right direction!

• It makes me happy when I sit down on the couch, husband by my side and the cats on our laps. Sometimes that is all you need from life.
  
• It makes me happy when I come home from work and Thomas meet me in the hallway. I know it makes me sound like the worlds biggest sap but... whatever.
  
• It makes me happy to listen to music, to have the sounds fill me, the lyrics caressing and the vibrating feel of it. Yes, I love music that much.
  
• It makes me happy to cuddle up on the sofa with a good book and just sit and read for hours and hours, diving into different worlds.
  
• It makes me happy to write. Even though I doubt people will ever read what I write (not counting this blog) it still makes me happy to write it.
  
• It makes me very happy to be able to tell my story, and this time I mean on the blog. Writing about things I can't talk about, it helps me get by. For the first time in like ten years I feel like I am trying to deal with things.
  
• It makes me happy to play the electronic organ at my mom's place even though I suck at playing.
  
• It makes me happy to watch movies, the silly ones, the romantic ones, the ones that makes me cry and laugh. I watch it all from high school flicks to drama to over the top action.
  
• It makes me happy to know I have friends that like me even when I am a complete bitch, hell.. I think I even have friends that like me because I am a complete bitch.
  
• It makes me happy to get to know new people, although I usually talk to people online because I am kinda shy in the real world. I know I seem anti social sometimes, but I writing to someone is easier than talking. Yes, I am that nerdy. 

I don't even want to tell you how long it took me to find 10 things, and I think I only found really strange things. I am better at writing the doom and gloom than the happy happy joy joy. 

Over and out

Music makes the feelings come to life

Today I thought I would try to get a bit away from the "here is my heart and soul" posts I have done lately. But I aren't quite ready to leave them completely so I thought I would mix it with my love for music for now. 

The thing with music is it makes you feel, at least good music does. Real music. The kind of music you don't listen to only to fill the silence, the kind of music that speaks to you, that have your blood humming and feels like a caress.
There is music that have been more important to me then anything. There is music I can't listen to because it hurts too much. But I am a sucker for pain so when I feel really down I tend to get stupid and listen to the painful music instead of listening to music that makes me feel good. 

Awhile back Thomas put on Kent's song 747 and it was pain. It was the kind of pain that makes your lungs clamp together and you have to struggle to breathe. I could barely ask him to turn it off, and I felt like an idiot for telling him because I couldn't explain right then.

For the same reason I don't really listen to Lars Winnerbäck anymore, too much pain. Too many lyrics and songs that bring back not only memories, but even the smells and sounds. Memories to vivid to be tolerable. 

For some reason I can still listen to Bush's song Glycerine and I aren't sure why, it was a song I listened to a lot one of the times everything went to hell (oh yes, things have gone to hell several times) but I guess that song was comfort and not only to dive deeper into pain.
I know a lot of people hate Courtney Love and Hole but I always kinda liked her music, even though I can't listen to it anymore either. Listening to Dying is pretty much like having someone stomp on your heart. 

Yeah, well, ok. This post was uplifting and nice? Just more emotional babbling from me. I seriously need to get over this and start writing about something else. Or at least write about something else because getting over things just isn't my thing. 

Any suggestions for tomorrows topic?

Over and out

Afterthoughts

I have been a bit silent here since my last post. Why? Well actually, posting that thing was probably something of the hardest things I have done. I don't tell people. Simple as that. And then I post it in public and even though not that many people read this, yeah, it still counts as "telling people". And it was scary. And the post was damn hard to write, to get out what I wanted to tell and still not tell the things I can't talk about. The details that I can only share with 1-2 friends, the people that been through the same and that can understand.

As hard as that post was to write, I think I needed to write it because after all, writing one post about it was way easier than telling several people in person.

One thing that changed after that time, is my fear of pills. I seldom take pain killers. Thomas usually have to tell me to just fucking take the pills before I will do it. It's not that I am scared of getting addicted to tiny pain killers, but it's pills and I don't trust myself around pills. That is why when my depressions come (I still crash 3-5 times a year) I never ask doctors for pills. I don't do the happy pills thing, I know my weakness and I know how easy it is to get addicted without you even knowing you are. I usually rather just power through a head ache than take one simple pill.

That's how scared I am.

Over and out

A way to keep myself together

So, my latest post got me thinking. Of who I am. I mean, there are so many parts, so many images I project that I sometimes forget who I really am. But most of all, I tend to forget why I am the person I am.

There are a lot of things that happen in our lives that shape us, and I wish I could say that they are good things but I often feel like most of the thing that have shaped me were bad things. Some of it are small things, that slowly form you into something new, something different. And then you got the big things, the earth shattering things that almost wipe away everything and leave you there to build up the pieces again. I have had my share of both kinds.

The one thing that have shaped me more than anything? It was really a thing happening slowly, and at the same time it happened fast. Pretty much like going down a slope, slow at start but then it all just picked up speed and ended at rock bottom.
I was 19 back then, and had pretty much been in a deep depression for years. I was addicted to Stesolid (Valium), something I didn't realize back then but that I know now, looking back at it all. I was in a short but intense relationship that was a roller coaster of emotions. And then it all crashed. I ended up taking way too many pills, attempted suicide I guess you would call it but it didn't feel like that back then. It was just after the first 10+ pills it didn't seem like a big deal to take more. I think I downed around 1.5 bottle of Stesolid and sleeping pills and ended up in the hospital for two weeks. And the relationship? Well, my dear asshole of an ex-boyfriend dumped me the day after, while I still was half drugged from all the pills. That would be my rock bottom. Empty hospital halls, white hospital walls, and tears and screaming and a pain that I can't describe.

So there you have it, the one thing that shaped my life in the biggest way. I don't think of it daily anymore, but I guess things from that time pop into my mind at least once a week, probably more. I was broken, and from the day I got out of that hospital I had to pick up the pieces and try to build myself up again. I can't say I did a perfect job, but looking back over the last years, I guess I could have done worse as well.

What am I trying to say with this post? Well, I know I have issues. Hell, I got issues enough to fill a mansion, but  I am trying. Still now it is a work in progress but I have my reasons. I don't shut people out because I want to. I don't hide myself because I want to. And when I am a total bitch? Well, it isn't always because I want to. Sometimes, it is because it's my way to keep myself together.

I can not break again.

Over and out