Today

I think I have been strong through the last week. Sure, I have cried but I do have reasons for that. But mostly I kept strong, I can still laugh and joke and smile. I am still me.

Today I aren't. Today I am weak, and I will let myself be weak. Today I will cry, let it all out. Wrapped around a pillow, crying so hard it hurts. Today I will embrace the pain and tomorrow things will be better, things will be a bit more bearable.

Today it's four years since I got married.

It feels surreal, we were supposed to be celebrating this day, we weren't supposed to be over.

I know we did the right choice, for all the right reasons. But today reason isn't enough. Today no logic can make it easier.

Today I will miss you, today I will cry.

Over and out

This is me now

So, how about being honest? I've been saying I am doing fine, that it was mutual and it's no problems and whatever. Yes, it was was mutual, but what people don't seem to understand is that mutual or not, it still hurts like hell.

I can't even begin to explain it.

This is pain, raw and undiluted pain and I can't to anything to make it go away. I am dealing, but yeah, I'm in pain.

I ignore people, I know I am, because I can't talk about it, I can't explain how I feel to every one. I get your messages, and I love that you send them, but I aren't ready to talk yet.

I feel weak. I really know that I aren't but that's how it feels. I hate showing emotions in public and so far I crashed and cried at work two days in a row. I kinda feel pathetic.

Just, treat me like normal? Please? I am still me, I can still smile and laugh, but I also cry, I also feel like something inside me is breaking. I will deal, but this is what I will be like for weeks, months.

I have some people I want to thank... All the girls over at LJ, I love you girls so much and I have no idea how I would get through this all without you. Dominic, for just being there, patient and understanding and never pushing me, I love you. And to Michael, I really have no idea what I would do without you, the rock you have been for me this last week.

I am good. And I am bad. I am happy. I am crying.

I'm in mourning.

Over and out

When love is not enough

What do you do when all you know fall to pieces? When everything you have hoped for, dreamed about, turns into smoke?

What do you do when everything is changing and you are standing still in a chaos of emotions?

What do you do when love is not enough?

~*~

I never wanted this to end. I never wanted us to end. We were supposed to be forever, we were supposed to grow old and grey together.

Forever turned out to be five and a half year.

Yes, we are making the right choice. We will be better apart than we are together. We need this, to get on with our lives, to be all that we can be. To not end up hating each other.

But it hurts. It really fucking hurts that I will have to lose you to find myself. My finger feels too light without the weight of the rings. My heart feels too heavy without the knowledge of forever.

I love you and I will have to let you go. And I will miss you. How can the right thing hurt so much?

Over and out